Ever wonder why men and women, although speaking the same language, never really seem to be talking about the same thing? Why do men listen to women but don’t seem to hear what they say?

While I could go into the scientific reasoning about different hemispherical cortexes of the brain and how men have an easier time remembering statistics such as Deion Sanders stealing 26 bases in 1992; that misses the point since when women communicate, their brains interact with areas commonly associated with emotional responses. Such as “I felt extremely sad and betrayed when, during sophomore year, I found out Zack offered Kim popcorn and didn’t offer me any.”

I’m not using cerebral anatomy as an excuse as to why I’m not paying attention. But ladies, you must realize that my fellow men and I want to listen to the emotional state that you were in when you were deciding on lipstick just as much as you want us to describe how the Friday night Texas Hold’em game went verbatim.

While facial products are important, we think you are just as sexy waking up in the morning in one of our t-shirts, and going into elaborate discussions as to why Morange is a better color for bringing out your eyes than Bronanza, just doesn’t appeal to most men as an interesting topic of discussion.

We as men, almost more than anything, enjoy pleasing women. So when you are speaking, we really are listening (at least in the beginning).

What you need to remember, however, is that as soon as you bring emotions into the picture and start referring to experiences where you relate similar psychological states, that’s when our minds start to drift to pigskin and episodes of “Family Guy.”

So ladies, today I’m giving you the guide on how to keep guys listening.

First off, although we have all the same emotions you do, we just don’t use them except in rare circumstances (like when our team wins the Super Bowl).

To keep us engaged, keep the emotions basic; anger, excitement, fatigue, and desire. Second, stick to the facts: who, what, when, where, why, and how.

Men have the attention span of an inbred cocker spaniel which is why the ESPN sports recap is never longer than two minutes, and if ESPN can cover every sports highlight of the day in two minutes, then you can recap school and work drama in less than five.

Okay men, time for your guide on how to communicate with women. This is very important so pay attention.

The key to communicating is to realize that women are always right. That’s the secret. It doesn’t matter if a woman informs you that the moon is made of cheese. She is correct. And if you don’t agree, then you are wrong.

You can bring every useless fact that you know but when it comes down to it if you want to spend that “quality” time with her, she has to be happy.

We all know women don’t forget anything. For example, you and your lady are laying in bed, and you’re feeling one of the main masculine emotions, in this case being desire. But last week she decided to tell you that margarine was better than butter, and you decided to tell her that was the most absurd thing you’ve ever heard. And of all nights she chooses tonight to ponder why you didn’t agree with her, and all you can seem to ponder is, “What is Victoria’s Secret?”

Here are your steps to recovery to getting back on her “good side.”

First, ask her what is wrong. I know this makes about as much sense as trying to pet a pissed off wolverine, but trust me, the longer it sits, the more you’ll suffer.

Unless you plan on bunking up with “hand”gelica, then ask.

Secondly say, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” Emphasize on the “feel” part.

I know it sucks to apologize, but trust me your “little buddy” will thank you. You might even start liking margarine in the process.

And lastly, after all the talking, tell her that you really care about her.

Gentlemen, you are back in the game.

Based on these rules of engagement we can all play fair. And by following these simple guidelines both men and women can now communicate with a lot more understanding and clarity.

But remember, on Sunday, all we ask for is three hours of grunting and scratching ourselves to get “in touch” with our primitive roots.