Is giving fellatio degrading to women?

Edie Haughton and Andrew Fergin, Special to the Mesa Press

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Column: Pressed Up
A his and hers column of exploration after dark

Special to The Mesa Press

For many men, receiving oral sex from their partner is among their most craved desires in the bedroom, but for a partner giving a blowjob, there is a fine line between giving a gift and having it lead to a degrading and emotionally-trying experience.

Blowjobs are akin to an art form: a certain level of skill, practice and tenacity is involved in giving one properly – sometimes even a fair amount of patience is required if a guy takes too long to reach his crescendo.

But the reason why a lover submits to giving one is because it can be one of the most caring and selfless sexual acts that a person can partake in.

Someone giving a blowjob is essentially saying that he or she cares more about making sure that their significant other has a pleasurable time for 10 minutes than they care about fulfilling their own needs. On the other hand, this act can reach a certain level of degradation depending on the behavior of the guy receiving oral sex.

Here are some simple rules to follow in proper, blowjob-receiving etiquette. Keep in mind that these “rules” are merely guidelines in one woman’s opinion, and some people may enjoy the behavior that they warn against.

1.    Don’t hold someone’s head
We all know that the idea of “deep-throating” is chiseled in the minds of men as soon as they watch porn for the first time, but if you want this technique ask. Don’t force it by literally jamming yourself down someone’s throat.

2.    If they’re gagging, ease up
Most people don’t feel sexy when they feel like they’re choking on something. If you’re going too fast, too deep or too hard, then it will likely make your partner feel like they’re being a used as a humping post. Be at least remotely aware of your partner in order to share the experience with them.

3.    Don’t pressure someone
If the person that you’re with does not like giving oral sex, then you should discuss why they’re not interested in it. If the end result doesn’t bring forth a change, then you either need to live without it or break up and find someone who will give you a blowjob if it is something that you can’t live without.

4.    Give a little warning
Make sure to give a heads up when you’re close to finishing, that way he or she can decide what to do with the aftermath of you reaching your peak.

5.    Reciprocate
This should be a no-brainer, but as I know from personal experience, those who receive don’t always return the favor.

As with all forms of sex, an open stream of communication both in and out of the bedroom will ensure that the experience will be stellar for both parties involved.

One should know their partner’s likes and dislikes in all aspects that they connect on, and oral sex is no exception.


Special to The Mesa Press

Are blowjobs degrading?  Well sure, but that’s like saying the ice cream is too cold; it could be true but if you’re saying it then you’re probably missing the point (or maybe you’re just lactose intolerant).

Underlying the idea that blowjobs are degrading is the notion that enjoying being degraded is wrong.  But, why should it be so?

Yes, in life being submissive or self-degrading can cause problems.  But life is out to get you!

Take the nterviewer for that job you want or the customer service rep. for the warranty on your computer that just broke.  Those are hostile interactions, hostile in that a lack of aggressive action can be detrimental to your interests.

However, sex isn’t a hostile encounter. If being degraded turns you on, embrace that, don’t hide from it, you’ll find great avenues of pleasure and your partner (assuming they enjoy a more dominant role) will enjoy it more as well.

I’ve heard a lot of stances on blowjobs from women (as a heterosexual guy I tend not to talk with other guys about blowjobs)  “Not if he thrusts”,  “If a hand touches the back of my head I’m stopping”, etc.

Your personal feelings are yours to have ladies, I’m not going to tell you how to feel.

That said, doesn’t it seem a bit silly to add so many rules to something so simple (and that goes for head givers of every gender)?

Having mentioned our partner’s pleasure, we arrive at the next key point of blowjobs.  They’re given, not received. You’re giving one to the benefit of someone else, and it is their pleasure that is of the main concern.

Submitting may carry it’s own mental forms of arousal but the act of giving a blowjob is not a physically stimulating one by itself.  Remember this, because in this way blowjobs function as a penultimate sort of “this one’s all for you.”


Have any “pressing” sex and relationship questions? Email Edie and Andrew at [email protected] or comment below and a reply may be printed in the next issue of The Mesa Press. Identities will remain anonymous.

For a lively night, be sure to follow Edie and Andrew on Twitter: @pressed_up

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Is giving fellatio degrading to women?