Cyber dating: A lazy man’s blessing or a gentleman’s curse?

Christopher Christensen

There was a time when dating was a flurry of romance and courtship.

Not too long ago chivalry reigned supreme, and being a gentleman was the pinnacle of a woman’s romantic desire. Back then jocks, musicians, and even playboys would have to woo the women of their desire through romantic encounters of the flirting kind.

But now, a menace known as cyber dating spells the destruction of chivalry as we know it. No more going to singles bars and finding women. No paying for 12 dollar beers and eight dollar shots. No dressing up in the only collared shirt in your closet every Saturday night.

This cesspool of information known as the internet allows men and women to meet on “dating sites” and “mingle”-forty million individuals are doing this, according to MSN.

These devious internet sites are easily set up. You pay money to create what they call a “profile,” which is a personal page where you express you interest, religious background, music taste, partner preference, and general information about yourself.

They expect us to sum this up on a single page? I don’t think I could cover all that information in a two hour Dan Rathers special.

And who is monitoring the validity of these “profiles?” As much as I would like to believe Jennifer aspires to be biochemical engineering, the fact that her idol is Britney Spears and her favorite lip gloss is Dr. Pepper makes me a little skeptical.

With the imaging altering programs we have today, like Photoshop, you can’t trust internet photos-a few clicks of the mouse and Mike Tyson looks like Susanne Summers.

And if you do find someone that you might actually be interested in while searching on your 19.95 dollar eHarmony sliver package account, the probability of them looking like the picture is about as likely as you getting a job oiling up the Swedish bikini team.

But all hope is not lost, as most of the commercials for these sites claim. Perhaps the commercials are right, you do have all the same interests, you both love football and she enjoys beer as much as you do.

With so much in common, it shouldn’t matter if she’s 300 pounds and missing an eye. I mean it’s about what’s on the inside right?-even if it’s three quarter pounders, two fries and a diet coke.

So for all you cyber daters here’s a tip for your first encounter: leave plenty of escape routes.

Always meet at a public place with multiple exits. As much as I like Star Wars, if Chewbacca shows, you are going to want to go Han Solo and hyper space it out of there.

Remember to keep an individual packet of Alka Seltzer in your pocket. You can pop it in your mouth and fake a seizure. Not only do you get a free ride out of there, but you get to ditch Sasquatch in the process.

No Alka Seltzer handy? Disguises are always quick and easy. If things go poorly, go into a bathroom take off the hat, reverse the coat, put on the shades, and book it out the back.

A little trick I like to use, is to text a friend and have them to call you back in two minutes. Then, act like it’s an emergency and leave. Always mention that you should set up another date, that way you don’t crush the last of their self esteem.

After the escape, proceed to a gentlemen’s club and purge your mind of the beastly events. Nothing makes you forget a bad date like tossing Washington’s at a stripper.

Cyber space is a dangerous place so tread lightly. If you heed these words of warning you might be able to make it out alive, because we all know the dramatizing effects of a date from hell. I’ve had my own encounters with the Sasquatch once or twice. And let me tell you, precaution and proper planning are the best way to safe guard from a close encounter of the hideous kind.