The other day I chanced upon a once in a lifetime experience. A quixotic misunderstanding that is the lore of bar jokes and further strengthened my ire for Bluetooth culture and the lemmings that wear them. While at the urinal, an experience I typically like to enjoy by myself, and usually isn’t too much of a problem (unless I’m on a road trip and have to use a rest stop where salacious invitations and the occasional chance to buy a baby isn’t uncommon) a gentleman addressed me with a very succinct “What Up?”

Generally I don’t like to talk to people when my hands are occupied below the belt, but I didn’t want to be rude, so I responded, not curtly, but abruptly. The guy gave me a weird look but proceeded to talk to me, which I found extremely odd, but again, didn’t want to appear rude, so I continued my conversation. At this point, the obviously vexed young man turned his head to show me his Bluetooth, and I quickly went from the guy just trying to empty his bladder being off- put that somebody was talking to him at the urinal to being the weird guy that always talks to people at urinals.

Understandably, this probably doesn’t happen that often. After all, who the hell talks on the phone when they’re in the little boy’s room?

In this fast-paced society of community college life and burritos at Chipotle, it is very rational that a Bluetooth is a necessity and not just an annoying frivolity that pisses everyone off and makes you look like a total dick. There’s just not enough time. Deals need to be made, and mergers have to happen on the fly. It’s a very rock and roll lifestlyle that we students live. We need to have our communication just a click away. It would waste valuable seconds if we were forced to reach into our pockets, see who was calling, and then retrieve the call.

Please, I’m begging you; wear that thing everywhere you go. Not just in the car, where you’re supposed to have it, but in line at the aforementioned Chipotle, where your phone call is distracting you from the decision over black or pinto beans. Believe me, the person attending to you will wait. It won’t annoy them one bit.

What’s that? No you don’t look like an idiot. Ridiculous? No, I don’t know why you would say that, it doesn’t look ridiculous at all. It doesn’t appear that you’re pretending that you’re a mercenary in the future and you’re trying to communicate with base because there are enemies on your six. (Aren’t you worried that when technology becomes sentient and rebels against the humans, that your cool little earpiece will try to assimilate you for the cause? That the very same technological advancement that at one time made you so cool will cause you to strike down your fellow man? )

I am by no means a Luddite, technology is a means to make life simpler, but it appears that it is making civilization listless. With the advent of the Bluetooth, Americans can now barely lift a finger while laying around on the couch. You can have your remote to change the channels so that you never have to get up and wear your Bluetooth so that you don’t have to do more than lift a finger to retrieve a call. All the while wearing your Snuggie, because regular blankets shift and make it difficult to stay warm (read: prone). And when someone texts you, make sure you further whittle away whatever intelligence was instilled in you and write things like “Omg, k8, wtf? Lmfao!!!!11!!!!11. k, c u l8r qt11!!1!!!11 🙂 It’s just easier that way.