Swine flu. Swine flu. Swine flu. Shut up about the damn swine flu already. The swine flu has become less of an epidemic at this point and has been relegated to fodder for stupid people who aren’t funny.

The swine flu has taken out one person in the United States. One person. A regular old runny nose and fever flu kills about 36,000 people annually. Why is it that the swine flu is the buzzword for 2009?

It’s not even an impressive strain, like say puma flu. If there was a puma or polar bear with a cannon strapped to its back flu, that is something I could get behind. Oh, and that one person? It was a young boy. Who came here from Mexico. With swine flu already.

And why is the swine flu such a scare in the year 2009 anyhow?

A mutated pig virus that can now infect humans is what could possibly take down the human race and cause the computers to take over? Doubtful. Relax. This thing shouldn’t even be a concern. We should have a cure for this virus already anyhow.

USA Today recently ran a whole page (a whole page!) with graphics and bullet points on how to avoid the deadliest epidemic since the bubonic plague. 1.) Wash your hands. 2.) Cover your mouth when you cough. 3.) Stay home if you’re sick.

Take a minute and re-read those words of wisdom. Remember when your mother told you these things as a child? Remember when common sense dictated you do these things? A whole page would be understandable if the way to avoid swine flu was something outlandish and ridiculous, like think that Coldplay are redefining music or something.

If scientists would stop watching old science fiction movies to find what they should be spending their money on, we would be much better off as a civilization. Remember all that money that was budgeted for cloning?

Remember Dolly the Sheep? She lived to be seven and died of lung disease. She spent her last days running into walls and finding Dane Cook funny. Money well spent.

Time travel? Where would we benefit from that? So that someone could go back in time to the 1950s and narrowly miss being seduced by a younger version of their mother?

Why are we still in fear of cancer? Why are we still afraid of AIDS? It’s 2009, shouldn’t we have cracked these little problems by now?

We have a light-skinned, eloquent speaking black man in the oval office now, and we are so proud of ourselves for it (Yay! We’re slightly less ignorant than we thought!!) What if he were to get AIDS? If the most powerful man in the world had AIDS, we’d have 37 cures in pill form by morning.

Nobody cares when they have it in their heads that it’s all junkies and former Lakers players who now own movie theater chains. AIDS is good money for the medical industry.

If we go by Demolition Man, and who doesn’t, all of our restaurants should be Taco Bells by now and our bathrooms should be stocked with seashells.

We have made such incredible advancements in entertainment, technology, car safety and perfecting alcohols, why are people still hurting from these horrible ailments?

It’s terrible to think in this day and age, where we can go out and get a pill that takes care of our unwanted pregnancies in a few hours that a little Porky Cold is going to wipe us out as a people.